i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
