She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
