The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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