the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
