The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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