You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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