I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
