yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
