Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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