The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
