my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I seem to have left my pride at pride
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
