Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
