You can't special order awesome
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
