The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Buhtt sex?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
