I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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