birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
