just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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