good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You smell like stripper and shame
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
