just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
