would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
