Pregnant stripper...not hot.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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