i already hear my dad disowning me
honey bunches of taint.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
