It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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