I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
