What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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