Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
