I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
