Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
