after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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