I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize