His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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