if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
