Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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