hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
