wrigley field is MILF paradise
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
