what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
