So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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