My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I would fuck him just for his dog
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
