I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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