I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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