At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
