I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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