Just fell off a train. Bad.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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