ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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