Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
