i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
