I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
