Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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