Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
