I think I died a long time ago.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
