i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize