so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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