All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
