things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
