My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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