i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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