So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
