I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
